Re: Wall Street Journal Article on Ed

["George N. Schmidt" <Csubstance@AOL.COM>]

2/2/01

After reading Jean's notes on blended families (or whatever we're called
nowadays), I just wanted to offer some support for her thoughts.

At Mike's urging, I got "The Nurture Assumption." While it's true that the
case for nurture has been overstated, being in the middle of the parent/step
parent thing places this in a different perspective for me.

When my son Danny was two and again when he was four a nasty divorce took
place. The latter lasted from 1994 well into 1996 until it finally ended with
joint custody and a very detailed joint parenting agreement. At any point, I
could have saved an enormous amount of money (lawyers, psychologsits,
experts, lost work days for court appearances -- it was that lengthy and
nasty) by giving up. There were people who actually asked why I didn't "get
on with [my] life..." instead of fighting to ensure that the joint parenting
agreement and the rest of the deal would work for all parties.

Now Danny is 11 (going on eight in some cases and 21 in others, like so many
that age). He's starting to retreat into his own space more, and he like the
idea of having a bedroom door to close tightly...

I'm glad that I did not surrender during those horrific and expensive days we
were doing that nasty divorce, his mother and I. The child needs both parents
where possible. How much of each depends on so many things we can't even
begin to discuss them. (I used to wonder, teaching Melville, how those
families of the whaling crews did it back in those days; or the families of
soldiers...).

I don't know what Danny's future holds; and adolescence looms. I do know that
half of what he would have had, in terms both of love and the varieities of
experience, would not be there in his life had his father not fought for the
same access, despite obstacles that we, in some cases, despicable. I also
know that the hole that loss leaves in the heart would not have been
something easily repaired. Even when the struggle was harshest, it was clear
that love was there both "sides."

What interests me more at this point is that Danny seems very ready for the
latest change in his life. Sharon and I have now been married three years and
are starting our own family. Our baby is due in early July. I don't think my
son from the other marriage would be as ready to celebrate the prospects of
his having a little brother had we not spent all those years "visiting" (the
museums, ball games, long walks, videos from "Land Before Time" through
"Ghostbusters" to "Jurassic Park" and now things like "For the Love of the
Game"), etc., etc., etc. We'll see. I know it's been more difficult for the
other two people in this family (Danny and Sharon) to make all these
adjustments than it has been for me. But it's been so worth it.

"The Nuture Assumption" makes good points. Parenting (odious verb, that)
became an upper middle class obsession (but not, we should note, an obsession
that has obviated the need for nannies, au pairs, wet nurses, and early
"pre-school"). And the even more odious assumptions behind the Martha Stewart
type prescriptions for "good parenting" (which no working class parent has
the time to do) are obvious.

There are limits to what we can accomplish as parents. I'm glad my first son
won't wake up some day and wonder why his father didn't care enough to spend
time with him when he was little. And I know that's going to help us as we
face the joys of blending another child into this wonderful mix.

Just thoughts. The Harris book is great. The tyranny of "parent" (the verb)
has to be deconstructed and dealt with. Those of us who have been blessed to
have active parents, grandparents we can remember fondly, and now our own
children (and grandchildren?) are different, no matter how little our
influence may be at certain times. Balances are possible.

Every Christmas when I taught school I was reminded of the hole in the life
of each child who has been abandoned or ripped away from family. And nothing
could really fill that hole, no matter how much we worked at it in school.
Those foster kids -- especially now that foster care in the inner city has
been turned into a kind of factory style thing with a lot of political
patronage behind it -- face problems I don't want to restate, since only the
eloquence of their own words, as they reach the time they can express them,
can tell what that loss was.

Gotta go. Lots to do,

George Schmidt

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